1. Hugely expensive new trainers cause blister the size of the moon. Foot is a bit upset, but running continues regardless as realisation there is only a week left until the 10k run “Jenny made me do” dawns.
2. Work declared suitable for only “poor people and husbands” as the British summer starts and finishes yesterday. Shorts were worn, no-one died of snow blindness. Considered a success.
3. Husband loses count of how many fucking cars he has bought on ebay, as several appear outside house overnight. Passers-by suspect illegal car breeding operation, husband denies all knowledge. Even to me. Despite the five cars we now own.
4. Youngest child binned after heroically refusing all foods except “ham” for four days. “We do not negotiate with terrorists”, claim exasperated parents, “especially when they are just being tricksy little bastards, and anyway ham is for idiots. Any fool knows the best food to obsess over is salt and vinegar crisps. We’ve bred an imbecile.”
5. End of the civilised world occurs as everyone in the entire country stops what they’re doing to go to Glastonbury yeah?
Next time: how to dispose of 2.5 tonnes of sharp sand in secret, professional shouting and assorted pointless activities for children.