Thinking of having a BBQ? Successfully bred one or more small children of your own? Buoyed by recent success, here is my handy guide to guarantee minimal pain and maximal fun at your party, despite having children. You’re welcome.
Tips to survive your (adult) party when you have children:
1. Invite all the children.
That’s right, everyone you’ve ever met, and their offspring. The more people at your house, the lower the chances of your own child finding you to complain about their sister/bicker/repeatedly ask for crisps. The downside is that they will do (and attempt to eat) all of these things (including sister), however most complaints will be intercepted and dealt with by the nearest adult, leaving you free to enjoy that fourth jug of Pimms in peace. What you don’t know won’t hurt you.
2. Contain the children.
Under no circumstances contemplate a party with children present unless you have a large trampoline, or as I like to call it, a CAGE FIGHT.
3. Practice Casual Parenting
This is also known in our house as ‘daddy style’. Casual parenting goes thus; Parent 1 – “Oh look, our child has just run past chasing those other children with a stick, two fistfuls of pretzels and no trousers on” Parent 2 – “Delightful. More wine?”.
4. Wash up drunk
No-one likes the aftermath of a party, especially not you, at 6am, when you wake to find your offspring inches from your face breathlessly wondering if all their friends are still in the garden. Remove the genuine concern that they will go downstairs and minesweep all leftover drinks whilst you lie gently sobbing into your hangover by tidying up the night before. The double bonus is that not only will the tidying up BE DONE, but you also WON’T REMEMBER DOING IT. Everyone wins.
5. For the love of all that is holy, charge your iPad.
Because tomorrow, your children will watch six uninterrupted hours of it whilst you ponder at what point you should have laid off the gin. It may also distract them from the fact that daddy is still asleep in the garden somewhere.
6. One can never eat too many crisps
Repeat this to yourself, as you watch your children eat nothing else all day long. They can have vegetables at school, right? Crisps are for WINNERS.
7. Or sausages
Food of the gods, loved by drunken adults and excitable children alike. The best way to calculate how many sausages you need is to add up your total number of guests, and then go and buy EVERY LAST BLOODY PACK of sausages in Tesco. It still won’t be enough.
8. Procure spare trousers for all present
It is inevitable that someone will wet themselves at some point in proceedings. Hopefully this is more likely to be your son than your husband, but some things can’t be guaranteed – best to be prepared I’ve found.
9. Embrace the swearing
Things go with much more of a bang if absolutely no-one moderates the playlist. If nothing else, you’ll gain a new found respect for Radio 1 when you realise quite how much of Azealia Banks’ hit record ‘212‘ they must actually have edited out to get it anywhere near broadcast-able. Think of the broad-brush introduction to music, slang vocabulary and rap culture your children will be getting! You can’t buy that shit!! Pray they don’t ask their teacher what motherfucker means.
Think on this – at least whilst they’re small, they’re too young to want to steal your beer. Enjoy the good times, for you never know what lies ahead, and remember; there’s not much that can’t be fixed by letting your children stay up late once in a while. What a treat for them! This is the stuff that memories are built of, and this way they can fill you in on what happened after 9pm. Result.
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