Shithouse crap caravan – suitable for dogging / sordid affairs / murdering

I became world famous a while ago when my eBay listing for a shithouse crap caravan that my husband secretly bought attracted slightly more attention than planned, gathering over a million views in less than 24 hours, and making the papers all over the world, before someone at eBay noticed it contained a rude word and ‘violated policy’. Before it was pulled, the top bid was around £80k, which almost certainly would have kept my errant husband in further unsuitable ludicrous purchases for a fair few years had it ever come to pass. Small mercies I suppose…

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My listing on Ebay has now been removed, as apparently despite my VERY CLEAR instructions that I in no way endorse murdering, it seems you can’t be seen to be Encouraging Illegal Activity. Who knew?! I had a very surreal phone conversation with the very polite European Head of Ebay Policy, which went a bit like: ‘It violates our policy’ ‘Ok, can I say murdering?’ ‘No’ ‘Can I say dogging?’ ‘No’ ‘Can I say shit if I say it like Sh*t’ ‘No’…

So, for all those who missed it, here’s what the listing looked like….. I’ve also added all the insane buyer questions that broke my inbox which were at the bottom of the listing too. Sadly, the £80k top bid never materialised either. Balls to censorship.

Here is what the original listing said…..

SHITHOUSE CRAP CARAVAN – SUITABLE FOR DOGGING / SORDID AFFAIRS / MURDERING

“Apparently I owned this utterly crap caravan for three weeks before actually setting eyes on it. My husband drunkenly bought it on Ebay, and neglected to mention that one day he’d taken the day off work and driven halfway across the country to pick it up, deposit it around the back of our office, and failed to declare it as technically a marital ‘asset’ until recently.

Luckily, I’m the trusting type, and despite appearances I don’t think he bought it solely for the purpose of having a sordid extra-marital affair or taking up dogging, however as you might be able to see from the pictures, it would be PERFECT for both. Also pretty useful if you’re thinking of getting into murdering. I considered contacting the producers of The Fall to see if they wanted it for set dressing the next series – lets face it I’d sell my entire family for a chance to look upon Jamie Dornan with my real live eyes – but, well, life is short and ebay has been a good friend to me.

Down to details – this caravan has four walls, a roof, wheels and an interior unmatched in modern times for what I like to call, shabby shit. When I discovered I / we now owned this abomination of a wheeled device, I briefly considered starting a fun project to convert it into something cool – covering it in glitter, wallpapering the walls with fur, doing demented Cath Kidston-esque upholstery and starting an ill advised business touring festivals selling tat etc. but I’ve got two children, a job, and an idiot husband to deal with and quite frankly, time is money so I’m not going to bother.

That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t though. Think of the fun you could have in it whilst gazing out of the slightly tinted windows at rain-lashed Britain. Perhaps you could whittle a toilet for it out of the sad remains of your soul (there is a space for one). If I had a bigger garden (i.e. one where I couldn’t see this caravan) I’d let my children have it as a playhouse, but having been raised on an almost total visual diet of driftwood and White Company homewares I’m worried that they are simply far too middle class to tolerate the amount of beige laminate which makes up the interior. Nothing a few coats of paint wouldn’t fix, but like I said – ABSOLUTELY NOT to be undertaken by anyone with small children, better things to do, or indeed, any reliable form of social life.

On the other hand, if you’re the kind of person who likes to bake an egg inside an avocado, eat “clean”, sew bunting, create endless ironic pinterest boards of favourite beards and/or breton tops then this could well be just the ticket to while away those spare hours.

This apparently tows well, (although you will need a light board), does not leak, and quite frankly if you’re in the market for a shit caravan – this is the one for you!

Cash on collection, viewings welcome, no sex pests or weirdos, no refunds, absolutely no forward rolls. Call 01604 696907 with any questions

*EDIT – Free idiot husband for winning bidder

** FURTHER EDIT – IT has been brought to my attention that the “caravan” would also be suitable for use as a rolling meth lab.

Apologies for the omission.

Apologies to rolling meth lab workers offended by this omission.

Questions and Answers about this listing:

Q: Does this come with a free Tetanus injection?
A: Woefully, not.

Q: I see that this item is fairly local to me. Is it possible that you could move it further away please? Many thanks in advance.
A: HA!

Q: Have we reached the reserve yet?
A: I have revised my expectations. We now have some way to go.

Q: ..Just curious, what’s that white powder stuff outside the door?
A: The powdered remains of my enemies

Q: Looking for a seedy cheap looking porn set. Can you confirm how many middle-aged moustached German men can be ‘accommodated’ comfortably and can you confirm that the brown interior is 1970’s standard porn beige
A: I am afraid this caravan is MUCH TOO RICKETY to accommodate moustached German men. Danish, maybe. German – no.

Q: I notice it says, “May not post to Australia.” Is there a reason for this?
A: As everybody knows, Australia is a nation peopled almost ENTIRELY by criminals.

Q: Is this for real?
A: Yes Emma. This caravan actually exists, and I would like to sell it. I’m a bit unsure as to whether I will ever realise the current £70k high bid, but nevertheless – the caravan MUST GO.

Q: Is your husband also responsible for the half arsed (I’m being generous) re-roofing project behind picture No. 1 ?
A: How rude. That is our house.

Q: Being a suspicious type, I notice from your description that this – er – caravan has a roof and four walls. I wonder if you would have a suitable floor available as I wouldn’t want ‘things’ falling onto the road
A: Good point. Very good point.

Q: I have 6 juvenile bantam cockerels. Would you consider a swap?
A: 🙂 No. They sound like cocks.

Q: Do you have a buy it now price?
A: At current reckoning I’m considering letting it go for a a buy it now price of £100,000,000, plus a small tropical private island, personal account at Harrods and having my face burnished with solid gold. Let me know if you’re still interested.

Q: Dear Linzhead, I recently met an older woman through a friend of a friend. She is used to the finer things in life, designer clothes and first class travel. She spends most of her time getting letched on by stockbrokers and is currently on a one woman mission to rid the world of gin. I would like to show her how much pleasures could be gained from the simple things in life. Would this two wheeled abomination be a suitable way of showing her how us mere scumbag mortals spend our leisure time? Should I perhaps aim slightly more up market for fear of scaring her off and book us a self catering long weekend in the third circle of hell?
A: Save yourself the trouble and head for Kettering. (You’re welcome.)

Q: Hi, I have a suitably shite tow car I want to get rid of (broken and rusty) can we have your blokes details to dupe him into purchase please, its such a perfect combo.
A: I suspect he’s probably already bidding on it.

Q: Any chance you can try before you buy? I know a sordid dog that needs a good dose of murder. Cheers!
A: I think someone might have already beaten you to that particular pastime in this vehicle by the looks of things

Q: Would this be suitable for an Excorcism e.g. wipe-clean surfaces?
A: Yup. Deffo.

Q: Jeremy Clarkson and hi cohorts have recently signed a megabucks motoring show deal with Amazon. You should tweet him a link to the advert, he’s rolling in cash now and he’d probably enjoy dropping a Morris Minor onto your caravan.
A: Brilliant idea!

Q: Hi is the caravan suitable for cooking meth cheers
A: I would say so, but lots of the inside does look a bit flammable, so my advice would be to cook carefully.

Q: I have just googled Castle Ashby and it looks lovely. Would this caravan be available for rent for the last two weeks of September
A: Hold on while I check with Lord Compton…

Q: Would you mind if I added your caravan to my Pinterest board entitled “Shithouse Crap Caravans (and beards)?”
A: HAH!! Please please do.

Q: IF I buy it can I leave it parked at your place? I don’t want the people here in the Welsh Valleys to think I’m showing off.
A: 🙂

Q: Hi ok so my line of work involves wearing a ski mask and visiting camps in the woods. Would you describe this as a stabby stabby kind of caravan or more of a slasher slasher kind of abode? The answer is really important so answer carefully considering I like to use more of the machete kind of killy weapon. Your Mr Voorhees The Lake America
A: Hmmmm. Both probably. I should point out that I in NO WAY endorse murdering as a hobby.

Q: Do you think I could convert this into a caravan?
A: HAH! (almost definitely not)

Q: That’s brilliant, you should write a column for Viz!
A: Thanks! I do write a wordpress blog (called And Other Idiots) on more of our familial idiocy and other mishaps / failed projects / drunken purchases if you’re interested. It’s mostly swearing. Not sure what Ebay’s rules on this sort of thing are, but pretty sure this advert might fall foul of them at some point so feel free to recommend me to Viz if you know a way in…

Q: Would it burn well ?
A: If the winning bidder gets a bit shy about their £65,900 commitment, then we shall see…..!

Q: I cannot believe you had the audacity to start the bidding at 99p – have you no shame?
A: Erm. Nope. I actually started the bidding at £150, but then revised the listing as was told it was wildly ambitious. Currently, the highest bid is £65,800 though, so who’s laughing now mother hubbards???!

Q: What’s the hubby look like?
A: Like the drunken owner of this caravan

*** I got so so many hilarious questions, of which I answered a fraction on the original listing.  Thanks for all the nice comments too.

Special thanks to the man who asked for naked pictures too, Well done you.

Thoughts / post-mortem on Shithouse caravan-gate can be found here

Watch this space – I’m working on a book proposal based on this story, and other idiot eBay purchases. If that sounds like your bag and you are or know a literary agent, I welcome being pointed in the right direction…!

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