Lists Ahoy!

Who doesn’t love a bloody good list? I couldn’t get through a normal week without writing at least twelve pointless, almost never to be actioned but at least it’s out of my head lists just to run my day to day life.

Here is, in a weird metaphysical way, a list of my favourite recent lists

1. The following is a real live list I’ve just found in the Notes app on my phone, to illustrate the grand inner workings of my tortured mind:



That’s right. Eggs. Shite. Milk. Wine. I probably went to Lidl and bought a few gingerbread houses and a petrol strimmer but no eggs, milk or wine.

2. Once I used to have  a proper job, with colleagues, pay and everything that reasonable humans demand as their rights. One of those colleagues was running a promotion, which required purchasers of our (delicious, fruit based, family friendly) products to enter a randomly generated code which featured on the pack.

Screenshot 2015-11-24 16.13.23

It was only AFTER generating all these codes that we realised it would not really be on brand if any of those random codes randomly spelled out cockwomble or similar, so we had to ask everyone in the office to add EVERY SINGLE SWEARWORD they could conceive of to a great big list to filter them against. I loved that day.

3. In fact, it was much like the list you can find at this link here:

Bell ends ahoy

I learned a few new ones from this very list earlier today. Who knew you could make yourself laugh out loud simply by calling someone a fuckmented shitjizzle?! What a time to be alive!

4. Not technically a list, but by far and away some of the funniest things I have ever read in my tiny little life are over on the Sleep Talkin Man blog, where a lady called Karen records and transcribes the frankly amazing things her husband says in his sleep. It is utter brilliance, and made me cry with laughter. “Pith helmet, check. Baby wipes, check. Small box, check. Let’s go midget smuggling! YAY!”. Whilst ASLEEP. Amazing.

I have endless lists in my phone. Losing it would be like losing a piece of my brain, although given that my ‘brain’ is evidently full to the brim with reminders like ‘train tickets, bin, trunking, baby machine’ it probably wouldn’t be the great blow to mankind I imagine.

I write things in the notes that I find funny, like new amusing typos I have made of my own name, Lindsay Butcher (‘Linsday Bitcher’ – like, Monday Tuesday Wednesday Lindsday, Bitcher!), sweet things my children have said to me about my singing (‘Your songs are hurting my brain, Mummy), how to dismantle a jigsaw (‘Let’s RUIN IT UP Mummy!’) and assorted tasks needed to finish our half built house. The number of lists which begin 1. Enslave husband, 2. Force into eternal servitude until plasterboarding completed (most of which are in my mind, but the urgency of the sentiment remains the same) is outweighed only by the number of times I have come home to find a large pile of rubble where a wall used to be.

I know regular readers of this blog love a good list or two, so please consider the comments section open for suggestions. Youngest child is currently ill on the sofa, so I have time on my hands for reading – either that or writing myself another list…


If you likey like my idiotic ramblings, why not join my sinister cult on Facebook, so you’ll get notified every time there’s a new post. Cult membership this way.

Dicking about on Twitter here

Pictures of my breakfast on Instagram here.



9 Comments Add yours

  1. Ginge says:

    my current lists include:

    – get a bed – get a wardrobe – finish painting hallway – get a xmas tree (6 ft minimum)

    standrad fare

    love you


    1. Lindsay says:

      You actually FEATURE in one of my lists! It goes ’email Ginge and find out about house’. (Haven’t got to it yet, clearly.)


  2. Jenny says:

    Years ago I was looking for something in my mother’s handbag (with permission of course) and found a little torn strip of paper that simply said, ‘hard boiled egg’. Not, strictly speaking, a list but intriguing never the less.


    1. Lindsay says:

      Amazing. That reminds me of a time a friend and I were left unaccompanied in another friends house. We left little notes everywhere for them to find – ‘Repent! Repent!’ in the cornflakes was one memorable example.


  3. george says:

    Apropos of nothing, but I had visions of this when you wrote about cockwombling and such:


  4. Anonymous says:

    Sleep Talkin Man blog link points to the motherfucking cunting swear list


    1. Lindsay says:

      Ffs… What kind of cockjuggling thundercunt posts the wrong link?


  5. kateleyshon says:

    1) I
    2) Love
    3) Compiling
    4) Lists

    Do you see what I’ve done! I’ve hilariously written a response to your post in the form of a list. I make myself laugh sometimes. But I prefer to laugh at people who are actually funny. Thoroughly enjoyed this post, please don’t interpret this comment as being facetious. Although it looks it at first glance, I’ll admit. I went on a date once. With a man. He told me that he didn’t know how to ‘take me’. He meant as a result of my sarcastic nature. I didn’t realise that until afterwards. I told him exactly how he could take me and he promptly recoiled in horror and told me I was weird. Me? Weird?


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s