Piano lessons: The idiot parents’ guide

Music, right? The language of your soul, the voice of life, the soundtrack to all your hopes and dreams, the stuff you use to drown out your children on long car journeys etc etc.

With this in mind, you might be thinking about starting your child off on a musical journey of their own. Maybe you yourself learned an instrument when you were little, and you need to give the gift of this universal language to your offspring, so they too can play guitar softly in the corner at parties in later life.

Here’s what to expect when you start your beloved child off with piano lessons:

1. Eternal poverty.

Holy shitballs that half hour of stilted jabbing at the keys does not come cheap. If you factor in the five minutes of each lesson your child will spend hopping and squirming and inevitably leaving to use the toilet, piano lessons work out at approximately £3000 per minute.

2. A daily shouting match.

Because there’s no point remortgaging your face to pay for the lessons unless you actually force your child to practice what they’ve learnt. They won’t want to. You will make them. There will be tears. Usually yours. Nobody wins. Breakfast will be eaten in silent misery.

3. Tunes.

I’M JOKING!!!!! You won’t get anything even close to resembling an actual tune for at least a year, and even then it will be some bastard hybrid of twinkle twinkle and mary had a little lamb, single handed. Be warned that once they have this down, this is THE ONLY THING they will ever want to play, and they get really, really good at it. At this point, I imagine many weak parents crumble and spend the cash on drugs instead.

4. Anger issues.

Especially if you can actually play the piano, you will watch in disbelief as your idiot offspring fails to grasp even the most basic of musical functions, despite repeated slow, patient counting on your part. The temptation to prison-tattoo the numbers 1-5 on their tiny fat fingers will become almost to strong to bear, and you will crush your coffee cup into dust with your bare hands whilst you try to remain calm.

5. An instant desire to join the Rainbows.

Because you’ve just spent the equivalent of a year’s salary on the next terms worth of lessons. Yep. Bored already.

 

Yay Rainbows. FML.

Despite all this, if you still decide to go ahead, all power to you. “I am C…. Middle C…. Left hand, right hand, middle C…” – You’ll hear it in your nightmares. Be careful what you wish for.

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