With less than 14 days to go now until my own snowboarding holiday, I am undertaking some rigourous preparations to make sure I get the most out of the trip. Which I am helpfully sharing with you as follows, in case you too are going on a child-free winter sports holiday after many, many years off:
7 Day Rapid Snowboard Fitness Plan:
Day 1: Idle googling of high intensity internet workouts.
Day 2: Twenty eight minutes of increasingly terrible lunging, squats, sweating and swearing in your kitchen.
Days 3 – 7: Weeping / denial / weeping / denial (alternate).
Just about covers it I think.
For best results, I recommend you complete this plan in tandem with the 7 Day Panic Purchase strategy I’ve devised after many years of failing to adequately plan for holidays. Luckily, I’m a Grade-A NINJA at buying shit on the internet, and have already bought myself new goggles, bindings and replacement vital organs (for after the tenth gluhwein kicks in and I try to snowboard home) so I should be good to go. It’s better when people can’t see the pain in your eyes, so mirror goggles all the way people.
The final stage in preparations is to strap your snowboard on in your living room and sit on the floor watching TV for a bit. This serves absolutely no purpose whatsoever, but seems to help with the mental prep, so I’m including it in the ‘mandatory’ section anyway.
The holiday I’m going on is only a four day trip, but seeing as we’re flying with Ryanair, it’s anyone’s guess as to when those four days might actually take place. Hopefully we’ll arrive in Austria as per the plan, but I’m taking a city guide to Gdansk just in case.
All that remains is for me to make a tape recording of myself yelling “PUT YOUR PANTS ON!!!” and “SHOES!” repeatedly, to ensure that the school run continues as normal in my absence, (and also make one to play to the children along the same lines), notify all local takeaways to expect an imminent doubling of their profits whilst Daddy is in charge of nutrition, and sellotape toothbrushes onto my children’s hands and their shoes to their feet.
All the while I’ll also be gradually increasing my daily alcohol intake until I’m back up to circa 2003 level of tolerance, which is roughly when I last danced on a table in ski-wear. Nothing says sexy like full length padded waterproof trousers right? What could possibly go wrong.
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Dicking about on Twitter here
Pictures of my breakfast on Instagram here.