Most consumer brands “invented by wankers” claims new report.

Normal people everywhere are in shock as it turns out most consumer brands are invented by wankers, especially ones involving farms.


Ordinary people were today reeling from the revelation that normal stuff that they buy down the Asda is not in fact hand woven on artisan farms, but in fact invented in ironic mid-century themed offices by nobheads high on fashionable coffee and the self-satisfaction that comes with having the word “creative” in their job title.

Trevor Kent who works at conceptual brand and marketing agency Smack Creative said “I find a huge amount of artistic fulfilment in seeing a brand name we came up with after the nine days of paid brainstorming time being purchased by these normos who have, like, literally no idea of the creative process behind it. I said at least three thousand seemingly unconnected words before stumbling across my new ironic sausage brand name, ‘Todge’. We had to discard ‘Nosh’ as it turns out it had already been trademarked. But yeah. Intense.”

Ordinary housewife Sheila McDee went batshit crazy in the chilled foods aisle after discovering the con. “I thought this chicken I was buying for my tea was a family pet from the cotswolds called Brian”, she said. “I felt sick to my stomach when I learnt it was actually from a mythical farm invented by some twat with a waxed moustache on more money than my GP.”

Her husband Mike added “It is still a dead bird, but frankly, I’m livid that some bellend has been paid to draw a picture on the label. I could get my five year old to do that. I don’t mind the odd shit picture on Lidl own brand, but on a mainstream chicken is just taking it way too far.”

Proper people with grown up jobs took to the streets last night in protest to demand that conceptual branding agency staff be rounded up and shot, or at the very least made to sit on normal office furniture instead of bean bags and come up with stuff that isn’t an absolute load of bollocks. Lawyer Darren Hughes said “This creative branding lark has just gone beyond a joke. Have you seen that Black Farmer Sausages advert? It’s just shots of sausages cut with morris dancers and yodelling; I thought I was off my tits and my spine was melting. What’s the world coming to? What’s wrong with a simple picture of a dead pig like in the olden days.”

He added “I don’t know why firms spend good money on these made-up brand lies. If I wanted to see that sort of imaginary bullshit I’d just take a fuck ton of drugs – I shouldn’t have to put up with seeing that shit in my local Tesco.”

In other news: Sky turns out to be blue after all; Girl made entirely of string; 27 reasons your mates are all dicks.


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2 Comments Add yours

  1. babbitman says:

    And then there’s the “Special Ops” branding swine who mess with a perfectly good name. I give you Cif and bloody Snickers. I’d never eaten a Marathon but that name change really grated. Pure evil.


  2. Of course, the musical version of all this is the kooky acoustic guitar child-like sing-song of TV adverts. Tedious.


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