What about these?

“Six disgusting meals your children will not eat”

“Teach your child to twerk like a bastard”

“What’s wrong with having a Belinda Carslisle Dance Party Anyway?”

These are the extent of my headline ideas, based on my last few hours with the children, for my first paid blog feature because *wildly excited* I dun gon and won a fucking online blogging competition for being a fucking blogger! And stuff! Fuck yeah!!

As my prize/anxiety inducing penance, I now have to come up with a short feature for online magazine Good To Know, in conjunction with the new parent blogging platform BISS. There’s four other bloggers all doing the same, chosen from over 400 submissions,and whoever gets the most post views will be commissioned to write another (paid) piece for Essentials magazine.

This is 1. great, and 2. AWFUL.

Obviously, it’s great because despite being an enormous introvert with various degrees of social awkwardness ranging from over-enthusiastically getting blind drunk at a school fundraising quiz night in the village hall, (true: I did this) right through to seeing the days of the week in colour and being a bit RAIN MAN about the “shape of time” (more on that quirk another day, it’s called Synasthesia, look it up), I actually DO feel really pleased and proud that people read my blog, and more importantly, like it. I’ve never been one for blowing the ‘look at me’ trumpet, unless I’m at a school fundraising quiz night in which case I AM THE QUIZ LORD AND ALL SHALL OBEY, but it’s so great to feel recognised for making people (internet strangers) smile. Also cry sometimes.

However, on the other hand, this is AWFUL because now I actually have to plan ahead what I’m going to write about (never happens), tell someone important and editorial about it (most probably check whether I’m still allowed to use words like “bumblecunt” etc. too), drink just enough  that I don’t overthink things too much BUT can still spell “bumblecunt” and then – well – Write Something For Money. To a deadline.

This will be a new experience for me.

So all suggestions for topics welcome, as are views of the actual post (multiple times, from all members of your extended family too) once it goes live, as obviously I’d quite like to WIN for the glory and all, but mostly I’m just really pleased to have got this far.

Thanks SO MUCH too to everyone who regularly reads my blog, who just by doing so has encouraged me to keep this going. I had a notification from WordPress today that it’s three years to the day since I started writing online – I’ve been keeping private journals for years, and it was quite a leap to open my thoughts up for the scrutiny of at first just friends, and then as the blog has grown, strangers too. I feel really fortunate that I’ve not actually been properly trolled on any of this stuff, and I know probably a lot of what I write isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, (that’s what a philosophy degree will do for you, just so you know) and I probably get a bit deep and sentimental from time to time. But here’s what I’m realising – there’s only one of me. And this is how I think. It’s ok not to be embarrassed about publishing my work, whether it’s a poem, a rant, or a hideously identifying failure at the basics of parenting, so thanks for being with me this far.

Next: global domination. Watch this space.

*Runs off to panic might have used up weekly allowance of creative juice in writing this, and therefore will having nothing left to say to win the actual dollars. Balls.*

Portrait of the artist as a young man






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