The very best of intentions

Back at the start of the year, I boldly declared two very public intentions: one to run a half marathon, the other to write a book.

Nine months in it’s become quite clear I’m not yet in a position to deliver on either of these rash promises. I have however just signed myself up to run 10k in November. Unfortunately for all concerned, during this “race” (because let’s face it, some people will be aiming to win the damn thing, not just ‘get round the course without being sick on Jenny’ like last time) I’ll be one of hundreds dressed as actual santa. That’s right people – if you too have done little to no running for the duration of the summer, what could POSSIBLY BE BETTER than to attempt a race in full fancy dress? Including beard.

I fear this may go badly, not least because the course is around a lake, and at mile six it’s possible I might have to hurl myself into it to prevent anyone seeing my wildly overheated face. (#prayforfrost). Is there even a mile six in a 10k? That’s the sort of thing I should probably check before I get too much further. (Literally)

On the book writing front, I obviously don’t even want to start unless I can be sure what pours out will be a guaranteed Booker winner. Hence – nothing. Yet. I feel pretty good that this year I have at least picked up a few actual real live paid writing jobs, although as husband is at pains to point out, he’s not yet in a position to retire, so I shouldn’t be too complacent. This from the man who considers anything more than a four hour day “tiring”, but as he has declared himself my self-styled muse, I suppose he might have a point. I do have a guest column coming out in Essentials Magazine in October which will be exciting though. I had to send a picture of my face. Smiling. And looking forwards. (Ouch).

Blogs from me have been a bit thin on the ground recently, possibly down to the fact that no-one in our family has done anything massively idiotic for a while. We did have to explain to the four year old recently on a drive through rural suffolk why it’s generally not considered socially acceptable to stop your car, enter a stranger’s house and then DO A POO. It was also pretty hard to keep a straight face whilst he wondered to himself, loudly, whilst sitting in the shopping trolley at Lidl (yes, we are that family) of the gap between the two metal uprights ‘Is this to put your willy in?’

No, son. No it most definitely is not. We’re not in The Asda FFS.

Anyway, that aside it’s been a glorious summer of friends, food, fish and chips, fresh air, festivals and extremely long car journeys. My new favourite hobby is going to the pound shop (stick with me here) and Treating Myself! to one of their reconditioned CDs for such journeys. One hour of music for just £1! More fun than a latte! Fewer swears than Jay-Z’s black album, which you accidentally listen to with the kids in the car before remembering that, no, ‘drug money motherfucker’ is probably not a phrase you want them to repeat, but the only alternative to hand is that scratched Frozen soundtrack which sounds like Olaf is having a seizure.

Secondhand shite CDs from the pound shop are GRADE A BRILLIANT for re-living yourself in the late 90’s to early 2000’s, which appears to be the last time anyone actually bought CDs. I did used to have loads – a great big wallet of them that I kept in my car at all times. They mysteriously went missing some time around 2007 when I suspect I might have left them in my unlocked car on an industrial estate in Shepherds Bush. Could have been worse, I very clearly remember the day I came in to work to find everyone huddled around watching the cctv replay of our friend and colleague’s car parked in the same car park being unceremoniously burnt to a cinder by a group of – well, bastards really. Perhaps they’d found my Levellers CD and the folksy violins drove them to commit violence? Who can tell.

If music is the soundtrack to our lives, I’ve yet to find the right one to accompany the creation of my future award winning novel. Pretty sure it’s not the soundtrack to Life Less Ordinary, but that seems as good a place as any to start, so I’ll be back as soon as I’ve bashed out the first chapter. There’s no time like now, right?

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Excruciating head shots. Coming soon to a bookshelf near you.

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3 Comments Add yours

  1. babbitman says:

    Love it. I may adopt “Is this to put your willy in?” as the motto on my personal coat of arms.
    I have ludicrous plans to write a novel and have managed over several years to a) set up a blog, b) do some research, c) write a short ‘opening chapter’, d) bugger all else. But some people reckon one of my short stories is worth publishing so we’ll see how that pans out. Keep your eyes on the prize and, well, your bum on your writing chair and fingers on keyboard.

    By the way, 6 miles is just 350 metres short of 10k – effectively a short amble to the finish. Or swim, if you choose to go by lake.

    Like

    1. Lindsay says:

      Hah! Great news on the short story, well done. “Research” in any form has never been one of my strong suits as I much prefer to go through life preparing absolutely nothing at all and then winging it as best I can. It’s served me well thus far. But my ‘novel’ will possibly just end up being a factual account of my own life. With no other characters. Or plot.

      I could probably bash that out before dinner time I reckon.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. babbitman says:

        Ta!
        I think the story of your life is quite likely to become a best seller (especially with the caravan episode). Please let it be entitled “Is this to put your willy in?”
        😀

        Liked by 1 person

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