When your kids are being dicks and everything’s shit.

This is going to be the title of my new book.

They’re not, by the way. And it isn’t. But a number of things have inspired me recently to belive that there’s plenty of us out there, doing professional muming for absolutely no thanks at all. Hats off to those doing it single handedly as well – as IF you manage to get through each day without hurling yourself into the road in a fit of pure exhaustion. How on earth did people do this before there was wifi or the Disney channel? (Answer: beatings interspersed with wooden toys, soil and benign neglect in all probability.)

Prompted by how tired my two children have been each day since starting back at school, here’s some helpful things I have devised to cope with the trickier days.

Beige Dinner

Or, to give it it’s other name, “Crap Tea”. Crap Tea can cheerfully be assembled from the freezer in approximately the time it takes for two children to realise they will never be able to agree on what to watch on TV first, and fishfingers can be cooked in less time than it takes for them to actually start thumping each other.

A ‘can’t hear, don’t care’ policy

There comes a point in some car journeys – mostly the ones to after school activities – where the only acceptably way  to not drive off a bridge with rage is to turn the radio up to eleven. It’s like that old philosophical problem of a tree falling in the woods – if you can’t hear them shouting, is it actually even happening??? Who cares. Bonus points for playing entirely inappropriate music in this game. Honk your horn on the swear words. It will make you feel good.

Hobbies

Get one. Immediately. Running is great, because all you have to do is run out of your house, which is probably what you’ve been wanting to do all day anyway. Obviously this does require a partner to make sure that dinner/fighting/bathtime and stories are all taken care of in your absence, but I like to think that by legging it out the door I am actually GIFTING my husband with the kind of quality time some fathers only dream of. Although the sight of my arse in lycra is probably the opposite of what he’s actually been dreaming of, but there you go. Beggars can’t be choosers etc.

Wild threats

You know the score. You’ve set up a star chart. Reward the good behaviour, ignore the bad. Give lots of praise. Foster their burgeoning self-esteem with positive reinforcement. But when all else fails, I think it’s actually ok to once in a while lose your shit and scream that if they don’t put their pants on RIGHT THIS SECOND you are actually going to send them straight to the fucking moon.

Pictures

I sometimes like to look back through the old pictures on my phone, and remember what a brief, fleeting flicker is early childhood. “Yes darling. And this was the time you stayed awake for fifteen hours straight and made mummy cry!”, “This was when you shat yourself in that pub and I forgot the baby wipes. Silly old mummy!”,”This was around about the time you learnt to say blueberries, but pronouced it very loudly as BOOBIES every time we went to Tesco”. You can look back on the shit things and laugh one day. I tell myself. As the four year old screams at me for not ‘making his bed higher’.

Dance party

When all else fails, it’s a hard hearted four year old who can’t forget himself for a second and start dancing to a nice bit of Uptown Funk. I’ve tricked mine out of several blossoming tantrums by simply turning on Spotify.

The flipside of all this of course, is that now both of my offspring are in school all day, every day, I am actually left alone for extended periods of time now. Imagine – it’s so quiet in my kitchen, I’ve just noticed that the kettle makes a constant tiny ticking sound for hours after it’s boiled. Who knew?? Certainly not me when I was surrounded by a pack of fools baying constantly for ‘honey on a ricecake in the shape of a letter B’ at all times of the day and night. It’s actually driving me crazy, so think on that next time you’re being shouted at by a furious tiny naked human.

You don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone. And it’s gone to school.

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Next time: Who you are, what you like and what you’re good at….


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40 Comments Add yours

  1. Anonymous says:

    Spot on as usual. My fortnightly dose of recognition, nostalgia, laughter with a little weep at the end! Love you

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Jakijellz says:

    Ah loved this. I’ve had a tough week with mine this week so it was perfectly timed reading this! I’m trying that Spotify trick later when the inevitable late afternoon meltdown happens!! Thanks for the tip! #coolmumclub

    Like

    1. Lindsay says:

      Thanks! Spotify has been a good friend to us, apart from that time that I realised the version of ‘cake by the ocean’ that I knew from the radio was very much NOT the version which was being played on spotify. The one that tells your kids to “…go fucking crazy” instead of “…go crazy crazy”. Yeah. That time was not great.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. How have I not read your blog before. Love your writing style. Very funny. I never understand how you can be so furious whilst naked! #coolmumsclub

    Like

    1. Lindsay says:

      Thanks! Welcome to my idiot club!!

      Like

  4. Oh this made me laugh! Spot on #CoolMumClub

    Like

    1. Lindsay says:

      Thanks! It’s laugh or weep around here these days…

      Like

  5. So funny – I swear I could have actually written this – the running, the spotify party, the crap tea…were we separated at birth?!
    Thanks for linking up to #coolmumclub

    Like

    1. Lindsay says:

      Hah! Feel free to come round and we could honk over the swears together!

      Like

  6. Lol I deploy the can’t hear or play dumb tactic along with a bit of dance party quite a bit..they can be toerags but we love em eh? Thanks for linking up to #coolmumclub lovely xx

    Like

    1. Lindsay says:

      It’s usually employed the second I step into the shower and they start hollering from three rooms away about cheese. Heaven!

      Like

  7. I had to read this post because of the title! I think we might be living in parallel universes..Just spent 3 weeks alone with my 4 as partner working abroad, so quite relieved to see that I’m not alone. I am the queen of freezer food right now and I also lost my shit whilst being badgered for my Ipad, with front door embarrassingly open, and nosey neighbours listening to me shouting ‘I’m a human tooooo!!!!!’. Thanks for making me smile X #coolmumclub

    Like

    1. Lindsay says:

      I’m literally crying at the thought of even having four children, let alone wrangling them solo, so well done you! Thanks for reading

      Like

  8. tinmccarthy says:

    Um- the title- you might be my spirit animal blogger friend! LOVE LOVE LOVE Come visit my ranty inappropriate blog at http://www.fourprincessesandthecheese.com

    Following you!

    #coolmumclub

    Like

    1. Lindsay says:

      YES I’ve always wanted to be a spirit animal! Will come and have a read too…

      Like

  9. You sound like you have it completely sussed! I particularly like the thought of just legging it and leaving the husband to deal with it. Reminds me of a day when mine were young when I actually packed a suitcase to demonstrate my need for some time out! #coolmumclub

    Like

    1. Lindsay says:

      Alternative course of action would of course be to just pack the children in the suitcase, zip it up, then sit back with an ice cold gin. Might try that after Rainbows tonight…

      Like

  10. babbitman says:

    Ah, I’ve always played loud music in my car to damp down the arguing in the back. If you play it loud enough they can’t even have a proper argument with each other. I was generally able to ‘cough’ over swear-words in songs but sometimes it didn’t quite work out; how do you deal with a car full of nine year old girls cracking up over James Brown’s Sex Machine? Or the start of Ian Brown’s Illegal Attacks which launches straight into “So what the fuck” before you have chance to reach for the volume dial…
    The best one, though, was when my youngest was about 4 (she’s now 17) and she asked, really cutely after “Alternative Ulster” by Stiff Little Fingers had just finished, whether that song was about a monster. (Hmm, “What we need… is an Alternative Monster…”)
    Close enough.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lindsay says:

      Had similar the other day when I turned the tv on for them and it was still playing whatever car crash shooting bank robbing police chase Lee had been watching but then I dropped the remote and had to immediately SING VERY LOUDLY whilst scrabbling to pick it up and change back to CBeebies. Also, I’m not quite wide enough to cover a 48″ tv.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. babbitman says:

        On the other hand, once they’re a bit older, it’s quite a nice ‘bad parenting gone well’ feeling when you hear them sniggering behind you while you’re watching a rather crude bit of Family Guy.
        I think you’re a few years away from that though…

        Like

  11. This is great, I’m with you. BB has just started school, and his arguing skills seem to have gone up a level. We just seem to spend our evenings shouting at one another. I think I’m actually going a little insane. Enjoy your quiet time. #coolmumclub

    Like

    1. Lindsay says:

      Thanks! The school tiredness really ramps things up a notch doesn’t it?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It really does, it’s like nothing I’ve ever experienced before xx

        Like

  12. If you ask me, think this is the start of a pretty good book…. I could use a 100-odd pages of laughs like that after an I’m-tired-but-no-I-don’t-want-to-go-to-bed-instead-I’ll-scream-my-head-off bedtime! #CoolMumClub

    Like

    1. Lindsay says:

      Ha thanks! Aim to write one somehow, someday!

      Liked by 1 person

  13. Yes! Love it. I’m with you on the running, perfect way for us mums to escape for a short while whilst releasing some of that frustration! x #coolmumclub

    Like

    1. Lindsay says:

      It’s a very short while in my case as I’m not very good…

      Liked by 1 person

  14. So so many giggles! And a great big “Aaah” at the end. “Honk your horn on the swear words. It will make you feel good.” Is so going to happen next time I do the nursery run! Thanks for that little gem. I shall consider it my new hobby 😂 x #coolmumclub

    Like

    1. Lindsay says:

      Thanks – the other road users will find you deranged obviously but happiness that way lies…

      Liked by 1 person

  15. tinmccarthy says:

    This is bascially the best thing ever. I am literally clapping in my kitchen right now!

    Like

  16. mummyitsok says:

    Love this! Agreed that dinners from the freezer are a life saver, nothing wrong with some chicken nuggets & waffles!! #brillblogposts

    Like

    1. Lindsay says:

      The other night we actually gave them leftover frozen beige soup, peas and ketchup for dinner. Winning.

      Liked by 1 person

  17. Caroline {Girl about townhouse} says:

    Great coping strategies. I would definitely add a large glass of wine to the list. This is the technique I used when my 4-year-old son called me upstairs for the hundredth time, many hours after bedtime, to ask whether police dogs have to wear police hats!! Big fan of crap tea too.
    Love this post, really made me laugh. #brillblogposts

    Like

  18. Literally hilarious. Could have written so much of this myself. Brilliant. #brilliantblogposts X

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Ben loves music and little mix has saved me from an impending melt down on many occasions!!
    #brillblogposts

    Like

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