It goes down a bit like this round these parts:
1. October. Pick up some chocolate money by the tills in Boots. Lose it within minutes of getting home.
2. November. Fistful of £1 stocking fillers from the pound shop. Also lost somewhere in your house.
3. First 15 days of December: Do nothing. Nothing at all.
4. December 16th. Get drunk. Do a bit of hungover internet browsing. Start a Pinterest board of ‘Things I want’.
5. Later: Re-discover everything in your Amazon basket from the last few months, but notice it’s all now an average of £20 dearer than at the point it went in there. Buy the lot anyway. Finally join the free trial of Amazon Prime in an attempt to recoup the cost using their free delivery. Tattoo the date you need to cancel your trial by on your very soul because ain’t nobody need Amazon Prime.
6. Mid-late December. Accept that you are probably going to have to go to Toys R Us at some point. Take two valium to numb the oncoming pain, and brace yourself for Toys R Us car park.
7. Three hours later: Find parking space in Toys R Us car park. Scrum through panicking mass of other humans to find nothing costing less than £30. Fume silently inside as the merry in-store music blasts out ‘It’s the most WONDERFUL TIME of the year’ when from where you’re standing balls deep in mountains of very expensive articulated plastic toys which do not even DO anything the only thing wonderful would be to have bought all the shares in Toys R Us and be laughing all the way to your own private island, alone. With a pissing Hatchimal.
8. Visit every retail park within twenty miles of your house, sit in the car and do internet shopping on your phone to buy the women in your extended family everything from your own pinterest board of ‘things I want’ then have a seasonal gingerbread latte in Costa. Return home having not set foot in another shop.
9. Murder your spouse to death when they ask ‘what are we getting for my mother?’
10. Spend double your entire Christmas budget on sparkling stuff for yourself from Asos because you probably deserve it and anyone who says otherwise can do the bloody Toys R Us run next year.
Disclaimer: I don’t actually hate Christmas. It just seems that way sometimes. But I do royally despise myself for being a disorganised prick a lot of the time. What are you gonna do though right?
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