I have invented a new type of gun. My new type of gun is called a “nuclear bomb gun”. It will literally annihilate the entire earth when detonated, and be available for any American citizen to purchase, as is their god given right under the second amendment, should they need to protect themselves from others who have also purchased my new type of gun, the “nuclear bomb gun”.
The best thing about my new type of nuclear bomb gun is that all Americans are allowed to buy it, because it is a gun. This will likely make me rich beyond my wildest dreams assuming no one actually uses it to destroy the world before I get time to retire early on my astonishing if morally dubious wealth.
Whilst my “nuclear bomb gun” bears little historic resemblance to the weaponry available to ordinary public citizens at the time the second amendment was written into law, this doesn’t appear to have posed any problems yet, so I’m sure that as long as my nuclear bomb gun has a trigger you can squeeze with your finger and a great slogan and possibly a matching t-shirt it will sail through the necessary safety checks. If they exist. Safety first!
By the time I’ve sourced cheap labour to build this all American weapon from developing nations possibly intent on overthrowing the American dream themselves, there will be literally nowhere you can’t take a nuclear bomb gun, so sales should be strong. If YOU need to stop a bad guy with a bomb gun in your church or in a sweet shop or in a public park whilst having a nice picnic now you can just annihilate everyone with YOUR OWN bomb gun first and be remembered as the good guy with a bomb gun. Everyone loves the good guy!
Next in my range of guns is a ‘weaponised bear trained to kill people to death’ gun, which is basically a weaponised bear, trained to kill people, activated from a distance with a polished mahogany handle and a trigger. Sounds dangerous BUT IT’S NOT because as everybody knows, weaponised bears trained to kill don’t kill people, BAD GUYS KILL PEOPLE. And it’s a gun. Guns are safe. Don’t be a Bad Guy. Get yourself a ferocious wild animal intent on ripping anyone who moves into tiny shreds and rest easy in the improved level of general safety all around you.
As any idiot can see, my new weapons will only ever be used to defend people and as there’s absolutely nothing we could do to stop weaponised killing bears falling into the wrong hands of a bad guy and hurting someone unless we all own one, I expect sales to be huge.
Available in a toy shop near you.
So. I actually wrote this a couple of days ago after watching some news online about the amazing student protests for gun reform in America and the #neveragain movement.
During the time it’s taken me to type this up today as I write I have just heard the news on the radio that there has been yet another school shooting in America. The only nation where this regularly happens. Over, and over again.
I’m not American, so should obviously just stick to criticising policy in my own country, in which case you might like to read my take on Brexit right here.